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Honor at the Armory
Happy Holidays!
For a year that had some of the worst aspects of the wrestling business rear their ugly heads, 2003 sure ended on a real upbeat note as Ring of Honor held its Final Battle show at the National Guard Armory in Philadelphia, Pennsylvania last Saturday.
Thanks to what seem to be non-stop holiday parties, the bus trip was out, but the ride to the show was the shortest in recent memory. An hour on the nose! If that’s not a good omen, there’s no such thing as omens. Combine that with a great parking spot and spotting Brett, Frank, and Ron almost immediately, and it’s the best pre-show in a long time. There was a “convention” at 2:00 which was pretty much 400 people trying to get stuff signed by the All Japan workers and seeing, as expected, the staff of ROH manage to screw up something simple by having exactly one Polaroid camera used for five different workers. That made for a nice mess. Next time- get more cameras.
ROH had its pre-show…err, show, at 3:00. The place was about half full for this, and if you just came for the “convention” you would have paid $5.00 to see All Japan workers and several matches. Not bad! What was bad was the lack of food at the concession stand. The girls running it were pretty and nice, though, giving everyone standing there unobstructed, open views of the cracks of their asses every time they bent over to get something- but the pretzels were hard enough to draw blood and the pizza tasted about as good as the cardboard box it came in.
It being the holiday season, it was nice to see friends old and new at the pre-show, including Brandi from PWI, the Magee Brothers, Steve, Havok, Papadon and his egg head, Eric Schaeffer, Bob Hope, and Kathy Fitz. One thing that was nice about the pre-show was that it was first come, first seated- so we got great seats in the second row. The first match had Brett nearly pop out of his chair as Sumie Sakai was introduced, and she wasn’t listed on the card. Her opponent nearly had Brett and a few others run out the door, as Allison Danger came to the ring.
Honestly- of all people to showcase on the pre-show to the biggest card in your fed’s short history, you choose Allison friggin’ Danger? Honestly- what does she bring to a match? Sakai is a little spitfire who clearly has a lot of fun out there and got the whole place involved with her Camel Clutch spot of holding Danger’s hair and releasing at the five count- only to grab the hair with the other hand. But Danger? Other than nearly getting Sakai killed by being too late reaching her spot on a missile dropkick- she did nothing. Her skunk striped hair and outfit just scream Low Rent, and didn’t bring the crowd into her portion of offense at all. So why choose her?
Meanwhile, April Hunter’s in the back playing Tiddlywinks, and she’s wrestled Sakai dozens of times. It’s not like April Hunter is an unseasoned valet, you know. Imagine her doing power moves on Sakai and Sakai bumping all over the place. Credit Sakai huge for keeping the crowd into it, and credit ROH for starting the show with this match- if it was dull, they would have had a real tough time getting people involved throughout the pre-show. Sakai won the match with a rollup.
After the match, CM Punk came out to the ring to continue his “Who Got Lucy?” angle that started in Dayton, Ohio, which makes it one of the only compelling things to ever happen in Dayton, Ohio. Danger showed her charisma as she ran out of the ring, while Sakai, despite being about two feet shorter than Punk, took her spotlight and ran with it, as she, for lack of a better term, punked out CM with the Loser symbol and then darted out of the ring. Punk thankfully let her live, and threatened to screw up the whole show until he got his answer, even going so far as to call out the Great Muta, who was sitting outside the ring area in street clothes signing autographs. Muta just sucked the whole crowd into the angle by standing up and pounding a steel chair, which popped the whole place. The guy is just a phenom and even got Punk to break character for a few seconds by laughing. Great stuff.
Josh Daniels, sporting a new haircut that totally fits his in ring personality (tight and close to the dome), came out to face Puma, a.k.a. Pinoy Boy from the West Coast. Nice follow up to the first match, as Daniels makes few mistakes out there and Puma made a good first impression. Daniels gets the Benoit Look Alike rap, but it’s for all the right reasons. He’s a solid worker who’s built like a truck and if he was about five inches taller he’d be Josh Benoit on SmackDown, knowing those geniuses and their booking “skills.” Daniels won with a sweet FisherBuster.
The Ring Crew Express were scheduled to face the Christopher Street Connection, but were interrupted by CM Punk, who must have wanted an autograph from Steven Baldwin, who came out with Marcos. Oh- that’s Dunn? You’re kidding- he’s a dead ringer. The CSC came out with Ariel, who continued the ROH women’s tradition of having nice asses, which she was proud to flaunt in front of the Clothesline Crew, now joined by Paul and his airhorn. The airhorn threatened to become the biggest heel of the afternoon as it riled up about six guys behind us every time Paul set it off.
Punk flattened Baldwin- err, Dunn, and Marcos, but Buff E and Mace stood up to him as Buff challenged him to a quick match with Mace. And it sure was quick as Punk drilled Mace with the Pepsi Plunge, a Pedigree off the top rope. ROH is sure pushing Punk to the moon. Whether he is up to it was answered later in the evening.
Special K raved their way out for the next match, a Four Way featuring Slyk Wagner Brown, Special K’s Hydro, Nick Cage from CZW (no, not the star of Valley Girl), and Oman Turtuga. Slyk has a new blond cornrows look and it’s a nice update of his character and persona. He’s a clear cut above 90% of the workers in the indys right now, so why’s he working the pre-show? Is there something missing there? If so, someone help him find it because he’s got just about everything a worker needs.
Nice match, BTW- Turtuga’s a total bump freak, but his look is too rough for him to go as far as he deserves. Hydro, a.k.a. Jay Lethal, a.k.a. a future 10 Questions With… subject if he ever reads his e-mail, won the match with a StraightJacket piledriver on Nick Cage. No, not the star of Adaptation.
Special K kept the party rolling after the match celebrating Hydro’s win when the Carnage Crew came out and just busted up the whole place. They were scheduled to go against Dixie, Izzy, and Angel Dust, but Justin Credible, HC Loc, and Tony DeVito beat the shit out of half the building, unfortunately sparing Fred the Elephant Boy. Great brawl that sadly got away from itself as Credible bled into the crowd. Oops- that’s a no-no in Pennsylvania. The professionals at ringside, including the one guy in the McNabb jersey covered in a leather vest, were right there to make the call. Actually, it made the match better- after all, if you’re going to promote yourselves as Ring of Honor, matches like this should be anomalies. Nice touch, even if it was accidental.
The Carnage Crew, who ironically were the only ones bleeding, kept things going by piledriving Izzy through the table at ringside but tragically not taking the idiots sitting at the table with him. Slugger (part of JAPW’s Skyscrapers) and Julius Smokes hit the ring for the “save” as Credible was getting strangled by three of the Special K, Becky Bayless refused a comfortable spot away from the action, and Loc and DeVito were busy bleeding all over ringside. The Carnage Crew probably wished they came out to help them!
Sonjay Dutt, another guy wasted on a pre-show, faced off against Trent Acid in the best match of the afternoon. Dutt just works his ass off out there, and this was the best match Acid had to have been in for a good, long time. When it started it looked like Dutt was going to be saddled with an albatross. However, Acid did fine- even if his gimmick just reeks of Shawn Wal Mart Michaels. Dutt was the star here, busting out move after move, and showing the stupidity of ROH booking as he did about five springboards onto Acid- but didn’t get the pinfall. No, leave it to Acid to win with the worst kick to the face for a pin since…well, since Jimmy Jacobs got Shawn Sheridan with his Suck-kuza Kick at the J Cup. These guys bump all over the place but Acid wins with a sort of stiffish boot? Come on.
The Briscoe Brothers retained their ROH tag titles against the SAT in the last match of the afternoon. The Briscoes have probably one of the top five entrance songs in the indys with Lynyrd Skynyrd’s Gimme Back My Bullets, and they got the best match out of the SAT’s that those guys have had in months. Too bad it doesn’t suit their in ring personas. The tattoos don’t add character, like they normally do, either. Jay’s the breakout worker of these two, as he hit the fastest Shooting Star Press in the history of the business. Hell, Billy Kidman brought that move to the indys about nine years ago and HE doesn’t hit it that fast. They won after hitting a Doomsday Device into a rollup. Lots of spots in this match, maybe too many. You can’t just do spot, spot, spot with no transitions- people are going to catch on.
Samoa Joe Belushi came out after the match to confront Mark Briscoe before their title match on the evening card, but he was of course outnumbered. This brought out Bryan Danielson, the Dullest Personality in the Indys, who got the Briscoes to back down. He refused to shake Joe’s hand, and nearly put the crowd to sleep with his mic “work” as he stated he’d only shake his hand after he won Joe’s title. Danielson is a terrific worker, but he has the charisma of a tuna sandwich when he’s not wrestling.
After a neat, short show, it was time for a very brief break so people could get something to eat or whatever. Trouble with that was getting everyone back on time so they could get in early, so it only left about an hour to eat. That ruled out going anyplace nice, so it was off to KFC. Hoo-ray. It was OK, but the desserts are a total rip off. The Armory’s a terrific place to see wrestling, but there have got to be better alternatives out there when it comes to food.
After everyone got back to the Armory, it was time for the second show of the day. The Crew took new seats at the top of the bleachers and got a perfect, unobstructed view of the ring and its surroundings. There were a lot more people at the second show than the first, for obvious reasons, but the place wasn’t 100% full. That means the announced “record breaking” crowd of 1,500 the doped out ring announcer blared was total bullshit. It was a huge crowd- no doubt about it. But there was NO WAY there were 1,500 people in there. Maybe 1,000. So why announce 1,500? No one’s going to run home bragging they were part of a big crowd. Stuff like this will keep ROH right there with all the other indys that inflate their numbers. You’re not impressing anyone. Stop it. Now.
Since they didn’t have 1,500 people to file into the place, the show started at the announced time of 7:30, even though ROH smartly hedged their bets and announced during the afternoon it would start at 7:45. Considering the length of the show, the earlier the better.
Bryan Danielzzzzzson faced Jay Briscoe in the opening match, and it was a doozy. Danielson, as mentioned earlier, is as dull as dishwater when it comes to his “personality” but he is all get out once that bell rings. Lots of mat wrestling and submission attempts here as Danielson continues to improve his craft. Briscoe did one fine job hanging in there but tapped out to Danielson’s bridged double armbar submission, a.k.a. Whatever the Hell He Calls It. Most people thought it was called the Cattle Mutilation. Screw it- call it the Double Dragon Special. Hell, the Clothesline’s named so many finishers in 2003 why not one more? Probably the best opener you’re going to find on an indy show anywhere.
Up next was the Fight Without Honor, which basically meant anything goes, between Xavier and Joh Walters. Anything goes…and this WENT- total ECW style brawl that involves tables, ladders, and chairs. Oh, my, was Xavier the flat out bust his ass worker of the day, as he took bump after bump and did spot after great spot, with the highlight being a springboard Arabian press onto Walters, who was lying on a ladder. How Walters was able to stand after that one is a mystery, as his back had nowhere to go and no support except for a ladder. OUCH.
They managed to recover from that and go once again to the outside as Xavier hit his 450 splash onto Walters, who this time was lying on a table. REAL contrived spot to get him there, as he pretty much shuffled right onto the table, but the payoff was tremendous. Prince Nana had the best seat in the whole place as he was walking around ringside in one sharp ass suit, so he got to see Walters nail Xavier with a sunset flip into a powerbomb. Off a 16 foot ladder. Onto another ladder that straddled the second turnbuckle. Fucking double OUCH. Xavier bled buckets, worked his ass off, but Walters got the victory after that move. Nana consoled Xavier after the match, where both men shook hands, and announced the formation of the Embassy, with Xavier as a new member. Perhaps the Embassy is a subdivision of Royal Decision. Whatever the case, it sounds like Nana’s going to be in a lot of board meetings.
It was now time for the Suck Portion of Final Battle, as BJ Whitmer faced Matt Stryker in the finals of the Field of Honor tournament. There isn’t a simile or metaphor invented to describe how disappointing this one turned out. These two did not click with each other or the crowd AT ALL. To give an idea how badly this dragged out, two of us went to the concessions, bought five waters, a horrible pretzel and a Coke, got change, went to tap a kidney, got mugged by Monsta Mack for a water, came back to the bleachers, and missed NOTHING. No build, just tons of stalls that would make Larry Z. proud.
Stryker and Whitmer didn’t blow any spots, but this was a perfect example of the bad things that can happen when you’re telling two workers that they’ve got a half hour, so just run with it. Stryker got Whitmer in his Trailer Hitch twice, but he made it to the ropes each time to increased groans from the crowd. Whitmer finally tapped on the third try, but if he didn’t, the place would have legit rioted. Yes, it was that bad. After the win, ROH decided to celebrate it like it everyone witnessed Flair vs. Steamboat from WrestleWar ’89- and it wasn’t. Some of the afternoon card workers came out to congratulate Stryker, but they should have shielded him like the Secret Service and ran him out of there.
To add to the misery, Gary Michael Cappetta came out and gave Stryker the mic- while the crowd is booing him the entire time of the “celebration” over the length and dullness of his half hour match. So Stryker does what? Thanks everyone for their support! Brilliant booking! Was no one in the back watching this match? Anyone else would have seen this whole segment was tanking and gotten everyone out of there as quickly as possible. Ring of Honor needs to get off the whole “sport and honor” thing every once in a while and concentrate on making people happy and satisfied customers. Bad, bad booking. No KFC dessert for you!
The Suck Portion continued as Bill Apter had to be dragged kicking and screaming into the spotlight in the ring as he announced ROH as the winners of the Classiest Promotion of the Year award. This was an interesting way to kill time, as Christopher Daniels’ flight came in late so ROH was forced to improvise. After seeing the outcome of the Field of Honor finals, this wasn’t going to turn out well. And it didn’t. ROH owner and overall slime Rob Feinstein came out- to a chorus of boos. Karma is a real bitch, isn’t it? The guy owns and operates one of the best feds out there which draws hot, large crowds- and STILL people took the time to let Rob know what they really thought of him. You can’t polish a turd no matter what you surround it with on the plate.
Feinstein thankfully got very little time out there as CM Punk came out to once again interrupt the show and berate the fans for not adhering to his kind of lifestyle. CM Punk is going to be a huge star in the wrestling business as long as he’s booked this way. Why? Because it follows the Adbullah the Butcher Theory: He lives his gimmick, champ. He lives his gimmick. (cribbed right from Foley’s book) Punk took the “plaque” and proclaimed himself the Classiest Wrestler in ROH, which no one can dispute. He’s a leader in the back, a leader in the ring, and a leader outside the ring, as anyone on Mike Johnson’s bus trips can fully attest to. Keep your eyes fully trained on this guy.
Punk mercifully ended the Suck Portion of Final Battle so Samoa Joe Belushi faced off (actually, that’s a bad term) against Mark Briscoe. A movie critic once described Patrick Swayze’s acting abilities and facial expression as running “the gamut of Point A to Point B.” Patrick Swayze IS Mark Briscoe. Samoa Joe may facially resemble Bluto from Animal House, but good God is he a great, stiff worker. He potatoed the shit out of Briscoe’s non-selling face with open handed slaps, which popped the whole place even though he didn’t paint brush him. Joe just knocked Briscoe all over the ring and to the outside, as he continually didn’t take Briscoe seriously. Think Daniels vs. Pool Boy at the Super 8 and you’re on the right track- but this was booked a bit different, as Briscoe got in a little too much offense, and Joe just stiffed the holy hell out of him in response. Joe got the win after three brutal knees right to Mark’s stoic, unmoving face as he was lying on the mat, and laid on the chokesleeper thick. The indys need more of Samoa Joe.
CM Punk decided to AGAIN interrupt things, but he at least had the tact to wait until the match was over. Joe got in his face, Punk waited just long enough for Joe to leave the ring- and then he went right back in. Funny stuff. As Joe left, just before he could turn around and “punk” out CM, the Prophecy came out, and Joe got into it hard with Dan Maff., so that took him out of the picture. Nice touch. Daniels entered the ring with Allison Danger…one of these is not like the other, one of these things does not belong…and Colt Cabana came out to take out Daniels with a chair as he helped his tag partner Punk. Punk started choking out Danger, threatening to “kill her” if Daniels didn’t tell him who took out Lucy. Daniels got him to stop, thus marking the first time Danger added something to a show. This brought out…eventually, since he was limping…BJ Whitmer, who took out Punk and Cabana with a chair and was announced by Daniels to be the newest member of the Prophecy.
This brought Dan Maff back to the ring, who was naturally upset, since he swore on his father that the Prophecy had nothing to do with taking out Lucy. And please, let that be the last time Dan Maff has to include his father as part of advancing an angle. Daniels successfully smoothed things over, which was a smart move considering Maff was scheduled to be his tag partner in the biggest match in ROH history later on in the evening. Those kind of kinks HAVE to be worked out beforehand.
ROH took a brief intermission to get the crowd pumped up for the All Japan vs. ROH portion of the show. Brett managed to get a pic with Sumie Sakai, who flashed the peace sign and a great smile. April Hunter and Slyk were lucky to be there and witness it all, fresh from their huge “celebration” of Matt Stryker’s snoozefest of a win over BJ Whitmer. In honor (no pun intended) of the outcome, they should have served NyQuil backstage.
The first match after intermission was CM Punk and Colt Cabana, the Second City Saints, against Tumeric Storm (Tomiaoki Honma and Kazuchi Miyamoto). Probably the second best match of the entire day, as Cabana showed he can work with anyone. He drops 15 pounds and he should be given his own promotion. The guy is that good- he mixes hilarious, inventive comedy with great selling and bumps, and should have a title on his Copacabana entrance music alone- another one in the top five best entrances in the indys.
The crowd was way into this one, as Cabana stole the show with his antics, including his interruption of Punk’s elbow drop so they could do the Pop Rock Drop (Cabana waves his arms and gets Punk to do it before they drop- hey, it’s another Clothesline finisher name! OK it’s not a finisher. Leave us alone). Miyamoto and his Flair Hair circa 1992 didn’t do much, but Honma seemed dedicated to leaving a part of himself in the ring as he took the Pepsi Plunge practically on the top of his head coming down off the top rope. Vicious move- great sell by Honma before, during, and after. All four shook hands which Honma sold beautifully as he brushed off Cabana who was checking on his face. Punk showed here that he earned and deserved his spot on this show and the afternoon show.
AJ Styles and Kaz “You Found” Hayaski had to follow this, and they did a respectable job, even if it wasn’t as good as the tag. Punk, Cabana, and Honma deserved gold stars for their performance, as long as one was saved for Hayashi. How WCW botched the push of this guy is one for the books, as he delivered a hurricarana on Styles that shot him head first into the mat so fast it popped fans out of their seats. Styles tried twice to get the Styles Clash on Hayaski and got it on the second one, which was a bit out of left field since it didn’t seem built up enough. Regardless, it’s a great finisher (ask Red after the 2001 Super 8) and was a good ending to a too short match.
Satoshi Kojima gets the other gold star as he came out to face Homicide. Kojima was so over he got Homicide to play de facto heel in this one. Why? Because he’s Japanese! Goddamnit! (his words) Good, stiff, solid match- albeit a little too short, but that’s understandable. Considering Homicide clocked his head pretty hard on the outside concrete, it’s amazing they did anything after that. Low Ki and Monsta the Water Stealer Mack (just kidding, guy) seconded and thirded their teacher to ringside. With the injury outside, Kojima had to take things over and did a fine job knocking Homicide around and playing off the positive crowd reactions to him. Homicide didn’t come off looking like a superstar here, but give the friggin’ guy a break. Try dropping yourself on your head and see how well you perform whatever job you do every day. Kojima with the win after a stiff clothesline that was teased throughout and paid off after Kojima removed his elbow pad a la the Rock.
In a match for the All Japan tag titles, twitchingly read by Steven DeAngelis, who spent most of the afternoon trying to draw attention to himself, Now wasn’t the time, Steve. Christopher Daniels and Dan Maff challenged Arashi and the Great Muta. The Prophecy came out to THE best entrance music in the indys, Disposable Teens by Marilyn Manson. Then it was time for the champions to come out.
The Great Muta has reinvented himself successfully more times than any worker in the history of the wrestling business, playing off his strengths and hiding his weaknesses each time. His entrance alone sends goose bumps up and down your arms, shivers up your spine, and if it doesn’t, you’re not a fan of anything, let alone wrestling. His mask alone was worth the price of admission. Arashi, the silent giant, just soaked it all in. The crowd went nuts for just the entrance. All “1,500” of them. And of course, DeAngelis had to do his best to draw attention to himself as he did an exaggerated run from corner to corner every time Muta went to climb the ropes. Sorry, Steve, but you got more attention from people when you almost botched the intros on the second match of the night.
After the prematurely thrown streamers (at least it was a respectable bunch tossed in- Tumeric Storm’s “tribute” looked like someone ran to the bathroom and threw in a roll of toilet paper), the match began with an almost audible buzz in the Armory. Muta might not the Muta of 1986 or 1989, but he knows what you like, and he gives it to you. Well, almost- his ascent to the top rope for a moonsault was thwarted by- you guessed it- Allison Danger. Didn’t matter, though…the match had Dan Maff take it to the next level with his respect and his selling of every move, especially from Arashi, who went to the Mark Briscoe School of Facial Expressions and worked like a sumo.
For anyone who thinks Muta has lost it all, tell that to Daniels and Maff, who took the Dragon Screw, Muta’s elbow drop, and a terrific Shining Wizard that shook the Armory. That’s three more moves than 50% of the guys populating the indys today. The Shining Wizard won the match for Muta and Arashi- it wasn’t Flair-Steamboat, but tell that to everyone in the Armory. Muta and Arashi went to shake the hands of the Prophecy, but true to form, Daniels, Maff, and Danger didn’t shake hands- their trademark. Instead, they went for the traditional bow. Nice touch.
Kudos to Ring of Honor and All Japan for a great afternoon. Ring of Honor isn’t the perfect fed. Overbooking seems to plague these guys too, based on the Field of Honor botch, and there are too many egos- when the ring announcer acts like he’s the reason anyone bought a ticket, there’s an ego problem. But they’re going to be hard to beat when it comes down to the best indy of 2003. They’ve got an overwhelming majority of good to great workers who more than make up for the so-so ones. And anyone who can bring in talent like the Great Muta, Kaz Hayashi, Kojima, and Honma deserve credit.
Here’s to an even better 2004!
(special thanks to Mike Johnson of <http://www.wrestlingbustrips.com> for making everyone in the Clothesline Crew feel welcome and for all of his help filling in some of the gaps in this column. Mike’s a great guy who’s finally getting recognition for all the work and time he’s put into the wrestling business, and anyone looking for a reason to get back into wrestling again should take one of his upcoming bus trips. Thanks, Mike!)
Complaints, comments, questions?? Email Jim
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Jim has been watching wrestling for over 20 years and has followed and reported on indy wrestling for over 6 years. He's also a fan of the New York Giants, New York Yankees, St. John's Red Storm basketball, Alabama Crimson Tide football, and the New Jersey Devils, but please don't hold that against him.
Contact Jim at BilJim2@hotmail.com
