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One Step Forward, 93 Steps Back
Yeah, it's been a while…
…but how could anyone pass up the opportunity to review this past CSWF- err, CSWA…ummm…never mind, show this past Saturday? Where else could you get more inconsistencies than OJ Simpson's trial?
The cloudy overcast skies should have been a forecast of things to come, but the Clothesline Crew went to SportsSexy anyway. Brett was nearly missed as he is now a shadow of his former self- terrific job, Brett! As Otto the Bus Driver so eloquently said, "That is just flagrant false advertising!" as SportsSexy was anything but, even though our waitress Kirsten really tried hard to pull off the Bunny Dip every time she showed up to take our order or pick something up in her bikini. Brett's unintentional lap dance last year at Hooters was no doubt more fulfilling than his barely cooked cheesesteak, but the burgers, nachos, and quesadillas were fine. The Crew was joined by Robert Payes who sadly ignored the request to ditch the leather (?) pants before entering the establishment.
The Wayne PAL building was thankfully less than 10 minutes away, and there were a surprisingly large amount of people there- oh wait, they're all there to see the PAL football game being held outside. The game must have been a huge deal in Wayne, as they had a 13 year old handling the parking situation by pointing to where you should park and getting ignored by Brett anyway. So there was a whole slew of people already by the building that could have been enticed to watch the show- a gesture of half off tickets by anyone involved in the CSWF could have gotten at least a couple of families interested, but no. Ah, who are the rest of us to judge, anyway?
Fortunately for Brett, CSWF did its usual stellar job of keeping its surprise a surprise, so he brought his Lex Luger doll to be signed. When you know there's a surpise guest at a wrestling show, you often ponder how they'll get into the building unseen, but that didn't appear to be a problem or concern to Lex Luger or the CSWF, as he just waltzed up to the entrance right in front of the 50 or so people waiting to be let into the place. Abyss, who's seen by about 164 people on TV for TNA, had the common sense to put a towel over his head, so the CSWF folks either didn't tell Luger he was a surprise or he just didn't care.
Guess the CSWF didn't care about getting any undecideds to the place either as they decided to not advertise Luger, a multiple time NWA champion who's been on TV for the better part of the past 20 years and has been in the ring with Ric Flair, Dusty Rhodes, the Steiners, Hulk Hogan, etc. etc.- but made sure to let everyone know that Julio Dinero was going to be there. Just one of the many inconsistencies and positively baffling decisions from the CSWF.
While everyone was waiting to get in, it was a real pleasure to listen to one of the head honchos of the CSWF pretty much admit that he gets verbally abused by his partner and that any bad decision or decision people like the Crew don't like is his partner's fault. Public relations representatives across the county were rumored to have hung themselves in frustration after hearing this diatribe. How could a company that provides any kind of service or entertainment to paying customers be this flat out stupid when it comes to public perception??
Let's be clear about this right now:
- No one cares if you don't get along with your partner. No one cares
if Ben and Jerry get along, they just like their ice cream.
- Hearing someone pass the buck on stupid or poor decisions is just plain
unprofessional and unbelievable. No one buys into that bullshit, so knock
it off.
- If you're going to present a product, have the decency to stand BY your
product, or else be seen as a wishy washy fool. Shrugging your shoulders,
passing the buck, and blaming others certainly cements your reputation
as a wishy washy fool.
After Luger made his "surprise" cameo appearance, Attention Whore Billy Firehawk came out to work the crowd in more ways than one. Remember that this is the same guy who came out at the last show and made sure everyone knew he was retiring as a wrestler- and as we all saw throughout the night this past Saturday, is now on the shows four times more than he was before. Perhaps his career as a worker was really stifling him more than he thought. Couldn't be anything else, could it?
Anyway, Firehawk was decent enough to thank everyone for coming out, which was a perfectly fine gesture that was promptly ruined by his stand up schtick- but at least this schtick got the Crew's attention away from the lousy father in front of us whose idea of "parenting" was making sure the kids weren't near him and kept threatening to take his kids home, the same kids who said more than once they didn't want to be there in the first place. Next time get a babysitter, you fucking worthless excuse for a parent.
The doors opened early so everyone that was waiting on line outside could now sit down and wait some more inside. How nice! Joseph Velez and his disgusting hat met up with us while we were having a great chat with Mr. Kruel, whose stories of wrestling in the tri-state area deserve their own forum on this Web site. The PAL building is a great set up for wrestling as it has bleachers, plenty of room for vendors, and a huge locker room area for the workers and staff. Easy location to get to, ample parking…whoever landed this locale got a real coup. The bookings, angles, and end results might be pure shit sometimes in the CSWF, but they'll sure look good.
Things started off in the usual tradition of Mrs. Levy singing the National Anthem to honor a flag that wasn't anywhere to be found in the PAL building- but not before the Attention Whore made sure to get his butt out there to do a 10 bell salute to his mother, and ostensibly the Big Bossman Ray Traylor. Mrs. Levy just about got through the song only to be interrupted by the sadly balding Sonjay Dutt, looking for cheap heat and asking to start his match with the Grim Reefer RIGHT NOW. No 20 minute interview or stupid angle to start the show? All right! Let's get down to business!
Reefer was more than happy to oblige, coming out with Nick Maddox, who looks like a lost roadie for the Allman Brothers. Decent opener, mostly due to the abilities and charisma of Sonjay Dutt, who was hopping and popping all over the place. Dutt ended up getting the win after nailing Reefer with a pair of brass knuckles. Having Dutt come right out to start things off was an original touch, even if it was a bit jingoistic and played off of negative stereotypes, Dutt being Chinese and all that, you know.
After Dutt raced out of there and off to work for Jersey All Pro, it was time for the Internet (stop laughing) title match. Nothing says legitimacy and credibility more than an Internet title- ask the clowns in APW! Mike "M Tizzle" Tobin, who is really a solid hand, came out with Sure Thing John Shane to defend against Val Kilmer's doofy younger brother Ken Scampi, who was escorted out by Tara Charisma and her 23 inch high platform shoes. Somewhere, Huggy Bear cries. Scampi and his vocal spot calling were a real distraction, along with his really goofy facial expressions, but Tobin kept things rolling along- even though he, as the heel and ring veteran, wasn't calling the match! Whose bright idea was that? Tobin could use a gimmick makeover, as he really doesn't fit the profile of someone nicknamed "M Tizzle." Tobin is the type of worker a mid card is begging for, and someone who as the years go by and he gets a bigger frame could work himself right up into the main event. He won with a Hot Shot that brought back fond memories of King of the Ring 1996 and Eddie Gilbert.
Then…let the CSWF booking geniuses work their magic! No pun intended, as Julio Dinero came out insisting on being called Julio CopAFeel. HAHAHAHAHAHA! That's so funny! He came out with the human piece of cardboard Miss Michelle and proceeded to entertain himself and only himself as he did a prolonged and spectacularly unfunny card trick that 95% of the crowd couldn't see. After one wiseassed Crew member loudly asked if any of this was going anywhere, a large coffin was repositioned as it was wheeled out during Julio's interminable entrance, as its original spot would have had "whoever" was in it falling over the guard rail after coming out. Not the best way to show up- ask the Shockmaster. Better yet, don't.
Julio, promoting that family entertainment, proceeded to get in the ring and pull a thong out of his hat that supposedly belonged to Miss Michelle. BWAHAHAHAHA! What a riot! Too bad most people were distracted by the bleached blond guy with the traced on beard talking to "whoever' was in the coffin. Could they have made it any more obvious, considering Attention Whore Billy Firehawk made sure he was out there setting everything up and sticking around for the outcome?
Things finally got interesting as Danny Jaxx, who is supposedly a face, hit the ring in his Red Sox shirt. In the Wayne PAL building that's about half an hour from Yankee Stadium. Brilliant! Jaxx, who actually acknowledged the poor fashion sense by admitting to the Crew that it was "cheap heat," got back in our good graces by berating Julio for killing the show. Julio did the one cool thing he's done in the last eight months of CSWF shows by saying, "You want your opponent? Here you go!" as he tapped the casket and Lex "Surprise!" Luger came bursting out. The Attention Whore proceeded to react like a schoolgirl.
Luger came into the ring oiled up and wearing jeans to hide his deteriorated legs but they unfortunately failed to hide his choice of underwear. Calvin Klein then went over to Jaxx (who is appropriately named as he is really jacked up- good upper body development with surprising definition), immediately blew up, and then…got his ass handed to him by Danny Jaxx! Ric Flair couldn't get this guy off of his feet but Danny Jaxx gets to pummel him in the corner?? Shoulders were shrugged in the back.
After Jaxx got to live a dream by not only being in the ring with Lex Luger but getting to beat the shit out of him, Luger came back with his poor and severely limited offense of punches and a few clotheslines. Lex Luger is the ONLY wrestler in the history of the wrestling business who got progressively WORSE the longer he wrestled. Normal workers at least pick up on and incorporate a few new things instead of forgetting the ones they already learned. But hell, it's Lex Luger working in front of 150 people in a PAL building. You don't get much more incongruous or whacked out than that. Luger finally finished Jaxx off (nice pun, guy- maybe work on another surname) with his eventually-I'll-get-you-up-on-my-shoulders Torture Rack.
Luger then got the mic, looking weathered and winded. He's still got a physique, but he's about as stiff as a board out there and Lord only knows why as he barely bumped in the last five years. Luger then secured his place in indy wrestling history by announcing, "Here I am in the CSWA." Now THAT'S comedy! Firehawk's heart broke just like Ralph's did in slow motion after Lisa Simpson did not choo-choo-choose to be his girlfriend. Most of the rest of his speech was lost amongst the laughter of the Crew nearly falling out of their chairs at ringside in hysterics. Maybe they should have left the coffin (a nice touch considering the 10 bell salute and Luger's ex-paramour Miss Elizabeth's recent overdose) facing the guard rail, as the sight of Luger pitching head first over it would have caused the WrestleCrap servers to explode.
How in the hell do you top that? More bad booking, of course! Check this out- Dan Barry, a member of the United Nations, was in street clothes watching the next match featuring…the United Nations! So let's get this straight- the marvels in the CSWF decided to use the Hungarian Barbarian with Mana instead of Dan Barry in a match against America's Most Wanted. No, there's no preferential booking at ALL in the CSWF. AMW came out to a big pop, showing just how much the fans support the CSWF and their struggle against the villains of NWA-TNA. AMW were promptly warned to run top speed out of the building if they ended up facing the Hungarian Barbarian, but did they listen? No! Hopefully they brought back braces after carrying that slug around the ring.
AMW, realizing they were working against one decent wrestler in Mana and one whatever against the Hungarian Barbarian, who looks like an Italian chef on stilts, decided to go the comedy route by tagging in and out. Mana did his part but he's no miracle worker, even though the stitches he received the night before in WXW got opened up again during the match. Working with anyone else it might have added to the match but it didn't do much here. AMW won after a Storm Superkick onto Mana. Miss Asia did her usual nothing at ringside while the representative of Norway, Destiny (well, it is the United Nations, someone be creative!) watched her do nothing. AMW after the match nodded their heads to the smart ass who warned them and said "You were right." Well, no shit!
Mana took out his frustrations on Jim Molineaux until Head of Security Mason Raige came out to break things up and clear the ring. Raige is just a mountain of a man. Hopefully this role will lead to him working actual matches.
AMW stayed in the ring as the rest of the TNA contingent came out. Crowbar, Ron Killings, Julio, Miss Michelle, Michael Shane, and Traci Brooks with her asstacular body, flowing black hair, rich skin…Where were we? Oh yeah! Then Firehawk's inspiration, Vince Russo, came out to give his 10 minute monologue. You remember Vince Russo, right? The guy who swore when he came into WCW that he'd always be behind the camera and never in front of it? The guy who booked himself to shave Ric Flair's head? The guy who booked himself to beat Bill Goldberg? The guy who managed to take the best lineup of wrestlers in one company EVER and systematically destroy that company and cost hundreds of people their jobs in record time with his ineptness? Yeah, that clod- the same one who, rather than be blackballed like he would have been from any other respectable and halfway reputable business, got the chance to book for ANOTHER fed in NWA-TNA and is treated like a superstar by the good gents in the CSWF.
How could you not love wrestling?
So Russo, who made sure to announce and get the word out weeks ago that he's leaving NWA-TNA, who made sure to let everyone know that he's a born again person who is so happy that God is in his life, yet at the same time makes sure you get to purchase his merchandise, just like God would want, on his new Web site, comes out and pops off a few shoot-tastic comments that sailed over 70% of the crowd's head- things like Michael Shane being Shawn Michaels' cousin. Nothing smarter than referencing any other wrestling company while getting your point across. That strategy worked SO WELL for WCW.
Russo, his lisp, his Unibrow, and his waste of time promo concluded by him basically saying that anyone from TNA that lost would be fired except for AMW. Russo, who at this point is pretty much a guy from the crowd since he is leaving NWA-TNA, then proceeds to book a hardcore rules match for Crowbar (!) and fires Julio and Michelle, the one positive out of the entire Look At Me segment.
Intermission, which couldn't come fast enough.
As everyone was coming back from getting their refreshments and banging their heads into the nearest wall for picking this fed over Chiller, Green Day, and Jersey All Pro, Bill Apter hosted a costume contest that ended with Sure Thing John Shane coming in and beating Apter up with Mike Tobin and threatening to take a $3,500.00 lucha mask and selling it on "Oi Bay" until Mason Raige comes back out to stop the violence. Apter announced that in all his years in wrestling no one ever did that to him before. Well, maybe no one ever actually DID it but certainly several thought about it. He vowed revenge. Publishers scurried in fear.
Hardcore match was next, as Crowbar came out to face- Surprise!- Abyss, who was announced by Vince Gotta Get In That Next Segment Russo. Bad Booking rears its ugly head again as Nick Maddox, seen earlier with the CSWF's own Grim Reefer, comes out with NWA-TNA's Abyss. Fantastic! Could the chimps writing this stuff possibly look at their own roster before plotting this out? Not a bad match, something Crowbar's done before, and Abyss has a good look reminiscent of early Kane. Attention Whore Billy Firehawk made sure he was out there to see the match and so everyone could see him react to the chops. Leave that to referee Mike Kehner, who does it as part of the match and does it better than 99% of the locker room.
Abyss did end up winning the match with a Black Hole (Bossman) Slam, and then continued to beat down on Crowbar until security came out to stop it. Oh cool, here comes security, so Mason Raige, who was security the last two segments security was required, should come out. Raige vs Abyss, a great new angle for Raige to be used in! Err, no. Raige, who was just in the last segment, must have been on a union mandated break or something, as four scrawny staffers disguised as security got shoved around by Abyss. There's that continuity you just dream of when you watch indy wrestling!
The match of the night was next as a Three Way Elimination Match featured Josh Daniels, Mike Kruel, and the ever surprising Nick Berk. Berk stole the show here with his theatrics, role in the storyline of only getting involved when there's an advantage, and for taking a back body drop that had him scraping the ceiling. Really, the guy was at least 14 feet in the air. Berk got eliminated with an Abdominal Stretch, which sounds rather lame until you factor in that Daniels had it hooked in while Kruel was holding Daniels' arm for leverage and stretching it out at ringside. VERY innovative finish which got Berk out, but not away from ringside. Berk hanging out at ringside brought out Matt Striker and the two proceeded to break up pinfalls and put feet on the ropes to wear the two remaining guys out even further. Very nice booking.
The time limit expired with no winner, which also seems lame but factors into the storyline of not giving anything to Kruel or Daniels. Berk and Striker then charged the ring and beat on Kruel and Daniels. Berk's reactions and yelling "Come on!" to a prone Kruel were hilarious.
AJ Styles squared off against Jimmy Rave in the next match which didn't hold up well to the previous three way. Rave has a nice look, and Styles is Styles, but this wasn't what it could have been. Styles is a very close second to Christopher Daniels as the best wrestler in the indys today, but he doesn't connect with the crowd as much and that might have been a reason this didn't click. Vince Russo naturally had to interject himself here and trip up Rave coming off of the top. This led to the Styles Clash (still one of the best finishers in the business) and the pin. Styles of course didn't know Rave was tripped up by Russo so he confronted Russo, who all of a sudden got stage fright and therefore couldn't finish the angle in front of everyone. WILL we ever see Styles confront Russo? WILL AJ Styles ever find out the truth? Who cares?
Matt Striker came out after that to show off his poetic skills, trashing everyone from Ron Killings to the Democratic Party to Miss Michelle in the process. His conclusion of "By the way, I hate you all and I hope you all die" was absolutely priceless. Killings came out dancing like a double jointed spastic, so Striker challenged him to a dance contest. No one thought to follow this with actual MUSIC, so both guys looked ridiculous dancing to silence- minus the cheers and boos.
The match then started and it was a pretty good one. Lex Luger even came out to the commentators table, hopefully to get some pointers, most likely to glom some new dance moves. Striker worked Killings leg throughout, which Killings sold one second and forgot to sell the next. E for Effort by Striker. Killings got the advantage and out of the blue started yelling at Luger. Why? How dumb is this guy? You think Warren Sapp ever stops what he's doing to yell at Joe Buck? Think Keyshawn Johnson would ever stop everything and yell at Pam Oliver- okay, bad example. Focus on the match!
Striker of course capitalized on that and was then disqualified for holding the ropes while applying the Figure Four. Luger then came into the ring with a garment bag that he gave to Striker. He then put Striker over as the new Total Package. Say what you will about CSWF booking, but that is just gold. Striker is well deserving of the rub and it's a great way to use an expensive piece of "talent" like Luger rather than have him get beat up by some Red Sox fan.
Killings took exception by coming back and speaking some incomprehensible language into the microphone. Well, the word "bullshit" stood out loud and clear. CSWF is family entertainmen! Killings started pummeling the Human Punching Bag Lex Luger until Striker nailed him from behind and started beating on Killings until Luger, of all people, audibly told Striker to work the leg. Luger the ring general! How scary is that? The two focused on Killings leg until AMW made the save to TNA co-worker Ron Killings.
So see if you can follow what happens next…Attention Whore Billy Firehawk, CSWF employee, comes out (he probably never left), grabs the microphone, and yells at Lex Luger and Matt Striker, supporting NWA-TNA regular Ron Killings! Huh?? He then tops that by helping Killings to the back after announcing a Killings vs. Luger match for the next show. Wait, wasn't Vince Russo booking matches before? Killings sells the beating on his leg by dancing furiously on it. Half of the crowd showed their support for the main eventers by leaving after that debacle.
The main eventers, Slyck Wagner Brown and April Hunter - Diet Guru, had a mixed tag match against Michael Shane and Traci Brooks. Lots of comedy, one great spot involving April grabbing Traci's trunks, and a decent main event that had the remaining crowd popping for spots like Slyck having Traci give Shane some violent oral simulation by driving her head into his crotch ten times. April has really become a great wrestler- find another woman wrestler who can do chain suplexes if you think otherwise. Russo naturally came out to ruin things by hitting Slyck with his belt- but at least he was subjected to Crew members calling him a "no talent piece of shit" who ruined at least three feds. Russo and his Unibrow were unavailable for comment. Shane then gave April a vicious Superkick to end things.
CSWF continues to be the most baffling indy fed in the country. For all the underutilized talent that they bring in, like Abyss and others from NWA-TNA, they completely squander it with nonsensical booking that either focuses on the wrong thing or shows that the CSWF staff has the attention span of a three year old. If that isn't bad enough, promotional decisions like not advertising the appearance of Lex Luger only prove that the people in the CSWF are looking to please no one except themselves. Witness Attention Whore Billy "I Retired!" Firehawk, who's now more a part of the show than he was before he "retired," contracted the Julio Dinero virus of thinking he's somehow funny, witty, and entertaining, and marks out in front of everyone like a true professional.
"Look at me! Look at me!"
Err, no thanks.
Complaints, comments, questions?? Email Jim
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The comments and statements
in this column do not necessarily reflect the opinions of Brett Schwan
and the Wrestling Clothesline (although many times, he comes damn close!).
Please feel free to email HIM with any comments, complaints, etc.
Jim has been watching wrestling for over 20 years and has followed and reported on indy wrestling for over 6 years. He's also a fan of the New York Giants, New York Yankees, St. John's Red Storm basketball, Alabama Crimson Tide football, and the New Jersey Devils, but please don't hold that against him.
Contact Jim at BilJim2@hotmail.com
