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Be forewarned.. If you are in the business, and you know any of the Crew in any way, shape, or form, you may be asked to do a future guest commentary. If you are one of the brave, feel free to email me and volunteer. If you do not want to be asked, you will be... blame Noel as she came up with this idea! Also, anyone with a name idea for this new feature, please feel free to let me know (you will get full credit for your idea) as our brains are fried at this point- Brett
What wrestlers (and managers who get their asses kicked)
do when they are injured.
by Noel ~Queen of the Catfight
Warning the following was written on pain killers
When I suggested to Brett Schwan that he have some wrestlers write guest
commentaries I was thinking more along the lines of Shawn Sheridan (master
of the art of in ring eating) and Devin Sturgis(Or Ultimate TnA as he
has become known), but Brett said I had to go first. So, for the good
of wrestling kind, here it goes.
As I sit here, leg in a brace up to my ass, I pondered what do other wrestlers
(or managers who get their asses kicked) do for entertainment while they
are injured. I'm sick of watching tapes of myself from when I had two
legs. Plus I have to fast forward through any event where my ass is hanging
out -- which pretty much means I only have about 5 minutes worth of tape
to watch anyway.
So, I have compiled a list of 10 things we can do when we are out with
an injury. Although I have taken in to account that a wrestler with an
arm injury can't play video games, and a wrestler with a leg injury can't
dance, and a wrestler with a groin injury can't.... well... they just
can't, I have decided to combine all injuries in to one solid list. I
also decided to poll some friends to see what they do, since some of my
wrestling compadreas have had injuries or SARS over the past few weeks.
The list is entitled TOP 10 THINGS WRESTLERS (AND MANAGERS WHO GET THEIR
ASSES KICKED) CAN DO WHEN THEY ARE INJURED.
10) Try to think of a catchy (or should I say crappy) new gimmick to come back as. After surgery is the best time for this. You’re groggy, trippin', and you can come up with some entertaining shit. The following story is true and scary. Even scarier, as soon as someone reads this, I guarantee you will see a promotion do this. On medication and very out of it, I decided I was gonna call myself Slave Girl Noel and let someone pull me around on a chain. I would wear the leopard dress and sandals. I decided that maybe better saved for my own personal time, but not before I told several promoters who liked the idea. Scary!
9) This idea is dedicate to my good friend Dirty Money who is currently WWE champion at my house and would not go to sleep or allow others to sleep till he won his title. That is dedication. Relive your glory days in the ring by making yourself a character on a wrestling video game. You know you all do it, admit it. Come out of the closet and tell people your little computer animated Damian Dragon (escorted by Foxxy) beat RVD . It's ok.
8) Go to Dave Greco's house and watch his wrestling tapes. Why go to Blockbuster when Greco has it all and they are FREE. So lets all hop on the short bus and head over to the Superstar's house!
7) Complain to other wrestlers about your injuries. Compare, take notes,
and see who is rehabbing what this week. Then yell at each other for bitching
because your injury is worse than theirs and vice versa.
6) Try to invent new names for your finishing move. I'm not really eligible for this one.Candy Claw is pretty self explanatory, but I've heard some great names lately see if you can top them."Irish Car Bomb" by Dan Barry, "Casting Couch" by Devin Sturgis "Pimp Ass Drop" by Dirty Money (used once in Garfield, NJ where he made himself a thong and sat on Damian Dragon). Come up with some long obnoxious name. "Amazing flying durably strong armdrag of death" I'm copyrighting that by the way -think of your own.
5) Make up great stories as to how this injury occurred. Instead of telling people the REAL story I decided it would sound good if I said I got in a catfight with 5 super models over the last bagel at a photo shoot or attacked by a caravan of traveling ninja's near the Ho-Ho Kus exit on the Jersey Turnpike. How bout the old Hulk Hogan Wretlemania 9 black eye excuse. "I was attacked outside Gold's gym brother by thugs sent by the Million Dollar Man" ** Side Note-Hey, if I kicked myself in the ass it would be like a one legged women in an ass kicking contest.
4) Number 4 was a toss up. You could start your own anti stalking campaign, which unfortunately I have needed as of late. Or watch porn and order take out food. I'm lazy, guess which one I picked? I got the later idea from a friend who shall remain anonymous. Keep it reil brutha .
3) Shop online. I'm currently helping Devin Sturgis purchase another
thong. Do I hear Skin to Win 2?
2) Read wrestlingclothesline.com. Yes I'm running out of stuff. I just
had surgery, back off.
1) LIMP and remember to stick to managing. A quote from the great Homer
Simpson sums this all up "I think we have all learned a lesson from
this. It is better to watch stuff, than do stuff." I will probably
stick to this new rule for about 5 minutes after my return till Ricky
O comes up and says "Hey takin' a spear tonight?"
Thanks to the Clothesline Crew, Brett Schwan , Ricky O, Shawn Sheridan ( Sheridan- I think of my matches more like the Miller Light commercials without the boob job) and everyone who wished me well. BTW, after my last "match" could you guys hear how loud it was when Buddy Rogers rolled over in his grave? I still hear it in my sleep.
